


Jaffa Jokes and Chocolate Paint

by PattRose



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-06
Updated: 2011-03-06
Packaged: 2017-10-16 03:18:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/167846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PattRose/pseuds/PattRose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack encourages Teal'c to practice telling jokes on them.  But what Jack really wants is to practice using body paint on Teal'c.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jaffa Jokes and Chocolate Paint

Summary: Jack encourages Teal'c to practice telling jokes on them. But he really wants to work with body paint.

Acknowledgments: Thank you, Mary.

PattRose1@aol.com

  
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](http://s71.photobucket.com/albums/i121/PattRose1/?action=view&current=jaffajokes.jpg)   


 

Jaffa Jokes and Chocolate Paint  
Patt

 

They were on a planet, dressed in their camouflage, faces painted and just plain dirty and Jack realized that he wanted to see Teal'c that way more often.

Jack began looking online for edible paint and found many interesting things. When he found just what he wanted he began to plan his move.

 _Express your artistic side with a paintbrush and a tube of scrumptious mint chocolate body paint._

 _Paint your favorite bits & then lick it off...and start again! _

_Or why not even just squeeze it on and forget the artistic bit. Either way it's sure to provide long days and nights of fun. So get painting!_

 _Paintbrush included_

 _Size: 150g_

Jack ordered Chocolate, Chocolate Fudge and Chocolate, Chocolate Mint. No one could say Jack O'Neill didn't know what he liked. Now he needed to find out if Teal'c did.

*****

One week later, Jack quietly asked Teal'c, "Got any plans tonight?"

"We always have plans, O'Neill."

"So you don't want to try anything new or different?"

"I did not state that. I wish to try innovative things. What are we doing?" Teal'c looked interested, finally.

“I’ll tell you later.”

“I will wait eagerly, to hear,” Teal’c answered.

As they walked into the room, Jack asked, "Did you tell everyone your Jaffa jokes?"

"Jaffa jokes?" Daniel asked quickly.

"Teal'c has been practicing. I haven't even heard them yet." Jack explained.

"Teal'c, are you nervous about telling jokes to us?" Carter asked.

"The last time I told a joke, no one laughed. You looked at me as if I were insane." Teal'c answered.

"Shoot." Daniel said.

Teal'c looked around and said, "Shoot what?"

"You're too damn easy." Carter laughed.

Jack said, "Just start the jokes already."

"Fine. If no one laughs, I will never do this again.

Apophis woke up in hospital and called the doctor, "Doctor, I can't feel my legs".

Doctor Cronus said, "Sorry, that's because we had to cut your arms off. And by the way, I'm not a doctor."

Everyone just sat there staring at him.

"This is why I do not tell you jokes. I think this is funny." Teal'c looked irritated.

"Keep going, Teal'c. The next one might be the one." Jack suggested.

"Apophis called out, "Doctor, Doctor, I think I am going to die in less than 59 seconds!"

Doctor Cronus said, "I shall be back in one minute!!!"

This time everyone did laugh, making Teal'c feel somewhat better.

"Good job, Teal'c." Carter said as she patted him on the back.

"Do you have any others?" Daniel asked and Jack glared at him.

"Apophis went to the doctor and said to him "Doctor Cronus, everyone is ignoring me!".

Doctor Cronus called out, "Next please!"

Again, everyone laughed. Teal'c felt better suddenly and smiled over at O'Neill, who was pouting.

“Apophis asked, "Why are monsters' fingers never more than eleven inches long?"

Cronus answered, "Because if they were twelve inches they'd be a foot. Did they not teach you this? You are a disgrace to gods in all universes."

Everyone was laughing again. _Jack liked that Teal'c was doing well with the group, but he wanted him home, with paint on. Damn it anyhow._

Teal’c was on a roll now.

“ _Good News, Bad News, Worse News_

 _Good: Your son is going to become a god._

 _Bad: He's involved with a Jaffa._

 _Worse: So are you. The same Jaffa._ ”

Daniel and Carter were almost on the floor, howling. Teal'c looked at O'Neill and asked, "What is troubling you?"

O’Neill whispered, "I'll tell you what's troubling me. I asked you about body paint and you're standing here telling jokes."

"It was your stupid idea for me to tell jokes. And you mentioned nothing about body paint. I do not even know what this is," Teal’c answered loud enough for everyone to hear.

Carter burst out laughing and said, "By George, I think Teal'c has got the hang of jokes. Want to know about body paint now?"

"Shut up, Carter." Jack snarled.

"Do not address her in that tone." Teal'c growled.

"What? You got a thing for Carter now?" Jack knew he had just said the stupidest thing he had ever said.

"Colonel, you know he doesn't. But Teal'c and I are close friends. Maybe we'll become closer friends, since you took that stupid pill. Teal'c, at least the Asgard will still love him." Carter said angrily.

"What are you talking about?" Jack shouted.

"That is my line, O'Neill." Teal'c smiled over at him and said, "Come on. Let us take leave."

"See, that's all I wanted. I just wanted to go home. I didn't have to be insulted. It was an insult, wasn't it, Carter?"

"Yes, it was an insult. Where are you two off to?" Carter asked almost laughing.

"We are going to be painting something." Teal'c said as they walked out the door. He could hear the laughter and it did not bother him a bit.

"So you plan on painting me and licking it off?" Teal'c asked once they were in the truck.

"Yah shure, ya betcha." Jack said and smiled over at his love.

"Did you like my jokes, O'Neill?"

"Sure did. I thought the first one was the funniest."

"You did not laugh."

"I was laughing on the inside. The idea of Apophis getting his arms cut off did something for me." Jack laughed softly.

"You are a very sick male."

"And you love that about me, right? It's a very sick man, Teal'c. Not a very sick male."

"I understand. I love you very much, O'Neill."

"Good. For being such a good boy, I'll paint you first and lick it all off."

"So we are going to enjoy this?"

"If I put Chocolate on your dick, and then licked it off, what do you think?" Jack laughed loud when he saw his mate grow hard right before his eyes.

"That is what you are doing?"

"If we ever get home. What's with all of this traffic?" Jack hated the interstate.

"Too bad you do not have the paint with you. We could stop at a motel. Like that one." Teal'c pointed and laughed as Jacked pulled off of the interstate and into the Motel parking lot.

"Hang tight. I'll be bach."

 _He continues to say I will be bach, knowing I do not understand. But he is very cute when he says it._

When he got back in the truck, Teal'c asked, "Can I tell you more of my jokes?"

"NOW??" Jack asked dramatically.

"It is not important. They were probably not funny anyway."

"Fine, start telling me..." _I never win._

"Chronus walks into a healer's office one day, completely naked, and covered in plastic wrap. He goes to the examining room and the doctor does some tests, and hours later, he tells the man, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Laughing so hard he could hardly breathe, Jack asked, "Why would Chronus be wearing plastic wrap?"

"Because he is clearly nuts. Did you like it, O'Neill?"

"Yes, you're getting pretty good at them."

"Cronus is very worried about the size of his penis. He has an extremely small penis and does not want his new queen to dump him when she sees it.

One night when he and his new queen are making out in their room he decides he will show her. The god unzips his pants, whips out his small dick, and shoves it into her hand. He sits there impatiently waiting to see her reaction.

His queen finally says, "Thanks for offering, but I do not smoke."

"This is my penis, my queen." Cronus said.

"If you were truly a god, you would have a real penis. No god would have this tiny thing you call one." And that was the end of his fourth wife.

He lost another one and on the first day. Poor Cronus." Teal'c was almost dying from laughing.

"You're evil. You do know that, right?" Jack smiled at him.

"Well, I do know that if Cronus was going to be doing what we are doing, he would only need a capful of chocolate."

Jack started choking on his own saliva and Teal'c was pounding on his lover's back. "Teal'c, I think you need to talk to someone about anger issues."

"I did not say I was going to kill him once again. I said he had a small dick." Teal'c smiled over at Jack.

"I'm not quite sure I like you using the term dick. We're a bad influence on you, I think." Jack parked and they walked into the room.

"This is a very nice room, O'Neill."

"You really like it?"

"Not really. I was trying to be nice."

"You know, I think we created a damn monster with the jokes." Jack smacked Teal'c on the back of the head and then said, "Do you want chocolate, or do you want me to have chocolate?"

"O'Neill, I want to have chocolate."

Jack stripped, got all of the fixings and made his dick into a wonderful sundae. "What do you think, big fella?"

"I think it looks good enough to eat." And he began to lick, suck and eat everything in sight. Jack was squirming all over the bed.

"Big boy, I'm going to come in your mouth if you don't move." Jack warned.

Teal'c moved away and said, "You desire me to move?"

"No, I just like to warn you."

"I am now warned. Come for me, Jack O'Neill." Teal'c deep throated his lover and Jack came without any warning at all.

"You want the same thing?" Jack asked after he rested a few minutes.

"Yes, I do." Teal'c lay down on the bed and waited for all of that fun stuff to be happening to him.

"Did you want to tell me some jokes now?" Jack teased.

"No, but I will on the way home. Suck me, O'Neill."

Jack always did what his mate wanted. He ate, licked, sucked and kissed Teal'c until he came in Jack's mouth. "Thank you, O'Neill. This was a good idea."

Jack cleaned them both up and they lay in each other's arms until they fell asleep. The two men were so carried away, they forgot where they were.

Three hours later Teal'c woke Jack up and whispered, "O'Neill, I heard this proverb the other day and the Italians stole it from the Chulack's. It says, The best armor is staying out of gun-shot."

"You woke me up to tell me this?" Jack looked at him in shock.

"We needed to get up anyway."

"That's beside the point. Maybe the Italians are part Chulakian." Jack teased.

"Are you making fun of my race?"

"Yes. Can we go back to sleep?" Jack whined.

"No, get up. We need to go home to sleep a little and shower. I am very sticky." Teal'c was dressing as he talked.

"So I guess that means, I'll be driving?"

"Yes, that is what it means. Get moving." Teal'c slapped Jack's butt as he got out of bed.

"Keep that up and we'll be here for hours." While Jack dressed, Teal'c put all of the body paint into the bags. He didn't want to leave them behind. These were going to be fun on many, many nights.

"You really liked it, didn't you?" Jack asked.

"Yes, I did. What made you think of doing this? Or have you done this before?" Teal'c inquired.

"Nope, never done it. But I saw you with the paint on while we were dressed in our camo's and I about went wild with desire. So you need to start wearing them at home more." Jack couldn't believe he had said all of that.

"I love you, O'Neill. Let us get home and have more enjoyment."

"Deal. You can tell me jokes on the way home. Do you have any more?"

"I have many more, O'Neill. We will see if you like them." They kissed for a while and then walked out into the parking lot.

Tonight was indeed a wonderful night. And to think it started with Jaffa jokes and chocolate paint.

End: Jaffa Jokes and Chocolate Paint


End file.
